I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
