Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Randomize
