The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
