I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Pooping to opera.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
