I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
