she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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