The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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