I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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