her facebook's as public as her vagina
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
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