I feel like I'm in dance class right now
fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
