Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
