I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
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