Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
