she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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