It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
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My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
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you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
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