It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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