I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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