I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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