Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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