You don't have asthma, your pregnant
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Randomize
