You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
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