Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
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I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
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Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
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