the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
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