i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
