Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Randomize
