this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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