Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize
