I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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