I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
