Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Randomize
