Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
now i know why i became what i already was.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
