My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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