how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
