Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Randomize
