I think i peed on brittanys purse
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
