Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
