My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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