I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
