dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
