I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
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It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
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I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Help. Why am I so naked?
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