Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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