At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
