YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
