these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
