i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
birth control should be required to get into college
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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