It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize