This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
