if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
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It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
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I could run a drunk marathon in heels
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
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