I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
