chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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