so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Randomize
