if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
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