I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
