I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
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